Maybe I'm Not Such a Bad Mom

I'll admit it - I was scared. Scared to have them both home alone at the same time. Yes, it's been almost 6 weeks, and I haven't been home alone with both girls for more than an hour or so.

But I was today. You see, my husband has this mistress - called hockey. He refs hockey from September through to May, and it takes him away from home for many many many hours...but you'll hear more about that another time. The point is that he was at hockey from 7am to 5pm today...

Last night I was anxious and scared. You see, Darling Daughter #1 has a tendency to grab and hit Baby Girl #2. I don't think she means anything by it - I think it is pretty normal stuff for an almost 2 year old who just had her life turned upside down when this new baby came to live in the room next to hers (well she doesn't quite live in that room yet, but you know what I mean). So, I'm not worried about her being a sociopath or anything like that - I understand that is normal, but the problem is that it is never ending. On Saturday - she grabbed her sister's face 5 times in a row - and by in a row I mean - she grabbed, we pulled her aside, sat with her explained why she couldn't grab and how it hurt, and went back to life. She went right back over to her sister and grabbed her again. Then did it 4 more times.

So, I was scared. Scared that while I was nursing Baby Girl #2, she would do something crazy. Scared that it would be a fight - her grabbing her her sister, me taking her aside, her sister crying and screaming, her crying...the scenario continues.

But it wasn't like that. It was actually really great to have them both home and together. We played, and walked, and hung out and it was good. #2, was doing good - had no problems, and #1 didn't try to grab her - not even once.

It was a good day - and it made me feel like maybe I'm not so bad at this parenting thing after all. Maybe...there's still tomorrow and the next 100 years to get through.

Fear

I am scared. Scared that this new baby who I have yet to meet will take time away from my first baby. Scared that I won't be able to love the new baby as much as I love my first baby. I am dealing with the second fear, but still feeling the first one strongly. I am so worried that my baby girl will be hyper aware of the time that the new baby takes her Momma away from her. I am afraid that she will feel less loved and that will translate into bad feelings in her head. I am scared of so many things.

I know that so many parents have done this before me, and many more will do it after me, and that everyone says that you just make room to love and you just make time for each of them, but, somehow I just don't understand how baby #2 can make you feel as much as baby #1, but I hope that all of these fears are unfounded...I guess we'll see.

This post says what I am trying to say so much better than I can...she really captured the feelings...this one too...